“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
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Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
*pronounces patio like ratio
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
The old gods are rising again.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.