Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
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Worlds greatest photobomb
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.