OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
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R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
I want to meet the individual who made this
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
So sick of all these stupid rules
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am