My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
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me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Ugh
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
found my next D&D character name
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.