Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
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me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.