me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
You Might Also Like
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
HERE’S MARKY
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.