Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
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What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
the rocks need my help
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?