*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
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<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
I cannot stop laughing at this
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.