to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
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“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ