ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
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Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
channeling her this year
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda