So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
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My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
😂🤣😂🤣
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
The A string on my guit_r is flat
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?