Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
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[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
October already? What’s next? November????
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]