I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
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Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”