I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
You Might Also Like
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock