*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
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Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat