i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
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Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed