The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
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Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Childbirth is so beautiful
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.