Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
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I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Oh we’ve met.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?