Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
You Might Also Like
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood