PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
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My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Plumber: I think I found the problem
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Facebook marketplace is a different world
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂