The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
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Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything