PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
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I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Me in tagged photos
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe