searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
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NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Eat…
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
#JohnTravolta
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.