When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
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Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Best seat on the street 😍
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!