4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
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I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
can you read it!!??
maan!
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Which wines pair best with gloating?
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.