I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
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when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really