Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.