I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
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Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Match dot com, but for socks.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*