me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
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Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.