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Don’t snitch tag.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.