“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
You Might Also Like
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
This 4th of July, please remember…
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident