Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
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Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Catercrombie & Fish
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
decorating my apartment
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
step 6: release the wall snake
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Mornin
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.