Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
You Might Also Like
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Swedish for common sense.
The future is now.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)