You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
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My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail