My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
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Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.