Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
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Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*