Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
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moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play