him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
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[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich