Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
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If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
I’m not proud
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo