When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
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Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”