I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
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My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.