*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
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I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan