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My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
What?!?
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.