Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
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Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
I’m calling the cops.
A roof is a house hat.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]