casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
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Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
The Sun
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.