I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
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A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
is it earth
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.