Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
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The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day