peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
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The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november