just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
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“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Who knew!
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
mood