Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
You Might Also Like
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Bros before Ohioes
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest